THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM LAW & ORDER: SVU

A RESPONSE BY CADE LEEBRON

Sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. Rape is always bad and wrong and nobody needs to feel ashamed.

Every/body female (rape victims, detectives, mothers) always have really perfect eyeliner. You know, the kind that’s really difficult to do, where your whole eye is lined, even the inner corner, and it doesn’t look shitty.

It is important to say no when someone is raping you. The police will ask you about this later.

Yelling “rape” is not especially effective if you are being raped. You should probably yell “Fire!” or “Murder!” or “Robbery!” or “Sale at Target!” or “Justin Bieber naked!” or just, you know, anything else – something that people will care about.

Don’t have consensual sex with anyone who might be or might become a rapist. A prior sexual history will work against you if that person rapes you and you try to report it.

Cops often have significant sexual tension with one another. Being constantly surrounded by crimes that are sexual in nature doesn’t get in the way of this tension. At all.

There is no limit to the ever-expanding list of disturbing things you can do to the female body. Chop some bits off,

burn some parts,

pour chemicals on us,

remove our faces with power tools,

fuck us with your dick

or a gun

or a wine bottle,

stab us and shoot us and starve us.

 

The detectives will marvel at your creativity.

 

Everything on this show is fiction and any resemblance to real life is a coincidence. The black male pop star with a tattoo of his girlfriend (a black female pop star) on his neck has nothing to do with Chris Brown or Rihanna. The fraternity they call the Rape Factory in that one episode has nothing to do with the Beta Theta Pi chapter at Wesleyan University.

Detectives who have been working rape cases for years and years will still continue to be surprised by rape, rapists, people’s sexual fetishes, child abuse, and/or murder. Any time any of these things happen, which is presumably every single day, they will react with fresh amazement and horror.

 

Rape victims are always beautiful.

 

The most famous person in the episode is playing the rapist.

 

The more an actual rape victim watches this show, the less horrified she will be by her own life.

 

Many rapists have creepy catchphrases they whisper in the ears of their victims whilst raping them. If you are raped but nobody says a creepy catchphrase in your ear, it’s probably not that bad.

Child pornography is always very tame and just shows the children in their underwear standing alone and looking scared.

Related: in order to show child pornography in an episode, Law & Order: SVUhas to make their own child pornography.

All minority communities contain disturbing secrets and rapists and everyone is suspicious of the police who are just friendly non-racist people trying to be helpful.

It is very easy to get away with rape as long as you have a ski mask, a condom, and latex gloves. If you have these common items (all purchasable at your local Target store) you can basically rape anyone with no consequences.

 

Cops often explain to each other why the rape they’re investigating is wrong and bad.

If there is a fresh construction site, there is probably at least one body under the concrete that was just poured, goddamnit, do you really have to go jackhammering it up?

 

Olivia Benson is a pretty good name for a cat or a person.

 

Rape is inevitable. There is never anything a woman can do to save herself. Rapists are very determined and also invincible. Just give in. Lie back. Like this episode, it will be over very soon.

 

Artwork © EMMA HARVEY

Emma SapersteinComment